I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
