im drinking this country out of the recession.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
