Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
