Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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