tell your sister to shave her snatch
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
