I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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