i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
