It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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