You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
