Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
