If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
