i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
