fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
