I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
