why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
