He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
