having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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