I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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