I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
