so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
