Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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