Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
