my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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