Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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