I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
