It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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