If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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