Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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