I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
