why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
