I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
