my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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