Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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