i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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