By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
