Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
