I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
