So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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