So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Moan for me like Helen Keller
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
