I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
