Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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