Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
