I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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