shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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