Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
