i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
