My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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