new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Are we still banned from the library?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
