singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
