Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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