I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
