If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
